One of the most important things to do is to figure out exactly what is causing the anxiety. Is it fear of the dark? Is it a worry about something in the closet? Is it monsters?
Is it spiders? Figuring out the cause of the fear will help you come up with ways you can help your child combat it. Are there particular spots of the room that seem to be darker or cause more fear at night than others? Go into the bedroom during the day with your child and talk about the spots that make your child nervous. Try moving night lights and furniture around for a more calming room arrangement.
There are scripts written specifically to help calm children and relax them at night. You can read them a script like this one from Inner Health Studio that is focused on helping them not be afraid of the dark. Or you could have them listen to a pre-recorded script. If your child has a hard time separating from you, try a transitional object.
This is a special item that helps your child feel comforted. It helps them feel like part of you is still present even when you're not there. It could be something like a stuffed animal or a special stone or necklace, or a sweatshirt of yours. They can keep it and hold it all night long to help them relax and go to sleep. Sometimes it helps kids to know they're not the only ones who get scared. Certain yoga poses are helpful for calming a body down and getting ready for rest at night.
One of my favorites is to have your child lay down on their back with their legs perpendicular up against a wall. Have them put their arms out to their sides. Encourage them to do some deep breathing as they lay like this. For other ideas, take a look at these yoga poses for sleep from Parents Magazine. Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or PMR, is a systematic way of going through all your muscle groups to tense and relax the muscles, typically starting at the top of your body and going all the way down.
Usually after tensing and relaxing muscles, your body feels more relaxed. Try doing a whole body progressive muscle relaxation designed especially for for kids. One thing my kids love to do is listen to audiobooks in bed. The beauty of apps like of Audible is that they usually have a sleep timer. They can distract themselves from their anxiety by listening to a story while they relax in their bed.
She may come to you complaining of a scary noise, for instance, but what's really scaring her might be a war or a shooting that's in the news and that her classmates are talking about.
Your job over the next five years or so will be to help your child understand the difference between a real danger accepting a ride from a stranger, or smoking cigarettes and something that, disturbing though it may be, doesn't present an immediate or personal threat a war being waged 5, miles away. You may not be able to help him resolve his fears right now, because it's mostly a stage he'll have to outgrow.
But there's a lot you can do to help him cope with his fears and get to sleep more easily. In the hours before bed, prime your child's mood with upbeat, nonviolent stories or movies even seemingly low-key books and movies may be too much for a child going through an extra fearful period.
At bedtime, stick to a peaceful routine — a shower or bath, a gentle story or a few poems or 15 minutes of independent reading , and maybe a song and a couple of minutes of silent vigil with you sitting by the bed. Ask your local librarian for a list of books about kids dealing with bedtime fears.
One favorite to add to your list: Bedtime for Frances, by Russell Hoban. The soothing sameness of a bedtime ritual wards off evildoers and bad thoughts and eases the transition from wide awake to sound asleep. A night-light or two may also make your child feel more secure. Leaving the bedroom door ajar, playing recordings of bedtime stories or soft music, and encouraging your grade-schooler to sleep with a beloved toy or blanket reminding him he's not too old for it may help, too.
If your child has a sibling or even a pet, letting them bunk together can make nighttime fears vanish as suddenly as they appeared. If your child is afraid of being alone and is comforted only by contact with you, consider offering up a virtual you, in the form of a two-way monitor or a set of walkie-talkies. This allows your child to talk into the monitor and hear you talk back, reassuring him that you — and he — are still safe and sound and giving him some measure of control that, in itself, is comforting.
Granted, this privilege may be easily abused, and its constant use can get tedious. But it could be a way to keep a nervous child in bed while you get to be somewhere else. And the novelty of overuse should wear off within a few nights, at which point the mere presence of the monitor on your child's nightstand may be comfort enough. Also: If you don't mind having your child sleep with you for a while, until his nighttime fears subside and he's off to another developmental challenge, don't worry about doing it.
As long as everyone's happy and rested, this is time well spent. Some grade-schoolers respond well to visualization and other relaxation techniques, and this is a good opportunity to teach him this lifetime skill before he thinks it's just too weird to try. Have him close his eyes and take deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. Ask him to travel in his imagination to the most beautiful and peaceful place he's ever seen. If it's a sunny beach, prompt him to imagine feeling the sand sift between his toes and the hot sun on his face.
Tell him that he can go to this place in his mind whenever he chooses, whether it's at night when he's fretting over something or at school when he's nervous about a test. Before lights-out, perhaps while you're snuggling with him at bedtime, try to get your child to talk about what's on his mind. Open-ended questions "How was your day, honey? So try something like, "What was the best, worst, and weirdest part of your day? When an answer opens a floodgate of concerns, don't just tell him not to worry.
Instead, listen to what he has to say. They should stay in bed and find out they are safe, which will help them get over their fears. Letting your child leave the room sends the message that their bedroom isn't really safe. If your child is too scared to stay in their room alone, it is OK to sometimes stay by their bed until they fall asleep. Do not do this too often because they may come to depend on you being there.
If your child is anxious about you leaving, check on them. Begin by briefly checking and comforting them, and then increase the time in between checks until they fall asleep. Leave the bedroom door open and think about using a nightlight to decrease your child's fears. If your child wakes up during the night and can't go back to sleep because they are frightened, go and reassure them that they are safe. If they leave their room and come into yours, take them back and put them back into bed.
Tell them again that their room is safe. It is important to comfort children who are scared. When your child holds onto you as they are being tucked in, or calls out in fear, you should go back to their bed and find out what is wrong. Be sure to tell them that they are safe. Help your child become attached to a security object like a toy or blanket. They can keep this in bed with them to help them feel more relaxed during the night. Avoid scary TV shows, including the news or videos, or stories that may add to your child's fears.
Avoid talking about their worries just before bedtime. Teaching your child to relax can help them to fall asleep at bedtime. Below are some ideas of how to do this. Giving them something else to think about while lying in bed can help to distract them from their fearful thoughts.
Remember, it is impossible to be relaxed and scared at the same time! Ask your child to lie down with their eyes closed and then get them to tighten and relax all the muscles of their body, one after the other. Some children find it helps to do these muscle exercises whilst thinking about their favourite relaxing place, such as the beach, a park or granny's backyard. Ask them to draw a picture of their fear and then put it away in a 'scary thoughts' box for the night.
A reward chart for trying to be brave can be helpful. At first, this may be for not getting out of bed and just calling out if they really feel they need you. Then later, as your child feels safer, you can reward them for staying in bed all night and not calling out. Reward and praise your child as soon as they wake up in the morning 'for knowing that their bedroom is a safe place to be' and remind them they can always talk to you when they feel worried. The reward should be something small and could involve collecting a certain number of stickers leading to a reward your child will enjoy such as a lucky dip prize, trip to the park.
This will vary depending on the age of your child.
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